I have confidence issues.

[Sorie]

I really didn't want to burden you guys with this, but I just need to vent.

I'm so tired of social anxiety. SO SICK OF IT. Seriously. It sucks. It doesn't help that I go to a stupid private Catholic school where I'm subjected to all sorts of involuntary situations with people going, "We're SUCH A FAMILY! REALLY, everyone gets along so well, and these are all just wonderful students." "The retreat really changed my life. I feel so much closer to ALL of you." Even though I see people here talk horribly about their best friends, using each other for these benefits, lying, cheating, stealing, wrecking, being no better than any other bunch of teenagers in the world. And I'm so tired of being included in these mass statements, even when I know I'm not really a significant part of it.

Drama is the worst. I joined it at the beginning of last year, and it's just gruelling. Last year, I guess it wasn't that bad, but this year has just been cruel. We had our first ever drama retreat in December, and everyone there had to say something about drama. And everyone, no lie, EVERYONE said something like, "You guys really are my home away from home. I can be myself around you, and I love all of you, this is such a loving environment." And the same thing happened at our senior sendoff night, speeches and tears abound. Both times, I felt this hope, yes, I'm going to become a part of this. I can't wait. But then we meet right after school, in the broad daylight, and there I am again. Just awkwardly hovering near a few people. They're already tight knit, with their "Ohhhh Hannah, you WOULD do something like that!" and their inside jokes, and I just sort of step away, not really knowing how to contribute to something like that. And my friend Troy, he's friends with EVERYBODY. I'd say roughly 95%+ of drama is pretty much best friends with him, despite him being in a massive shell of his own just a year ago. I'm glad that makes one of us, but it's not that fun watching him instantly melt right in with them while I continue to sit under my putrid cloud of shyness.

I hate to be a poo poo head, but for the most part I feel the same on Leo. I remember some people saying before that TAZ was their comfort zone, and again it just feels like everyone knows everyone else. Even when the new members come, they're bombarded with people who say, "You! You finally joined! WOOOOO" and I'm just like, "Why am I here?" The only times I ever make it on there's 12 thousand new threads to read, and a lot of them are updates on someone's life who I never knew the background of to begin with. I'm just. So. Pathetic.

I always say to myself this needs to change. I really have to step it up. But no matter what I do, think, try, I always end up with a zipped up mouth. I'm so weary from all of it, included with my lovely pack of last minute school cramming. I'm not considering suicide or anything, I want to live. It's just that I want to live.

Well, I wasted an hour writing this, and I still have homework to do. I feel better though.
Questions, Comments, Concerns?
.... Help?

[Anne]

I went through a lot of what you have and though with time it can usually get better, I'm still slowly getting to the point where I can really interact with others.

It can be very hard to learn how to act in social situations. I've only just been able to garner a small semblance of how to deal with them by taking queues from my sister, whom everyone loves.
Feigned confidence and a smile can go a long way. It can take a long time to muster the courage, but if you decide you're going to be friendly and sociable, and plant on a smile, it's easy to build from there. There have been so many situations where I've been utterly terrified of people and have just forced myself to grin and talk, even if I was just choosing a couple of people to talk with at first. Most people don't even know, or can't begin to believe that I have a diagnosed anxiety condition because when I'm around people I can just tack on a smile and fake it. Taking that first leap can be hard, but usually well worth it in the end.

I think one of the greatest hurdles to get over is your own insecurities. I'm always worried about what people think of me, if they'll find me annoying if I talk to new people more then once without being approached by them, just flat out reject me... It's a vicious cycle and those are the things that really keep you back. Even now I wanted to maybe invite a couple of friends out for my 18th, but I'm so terrified that they'll think I'm a freak for only having a couple of people to invite out that I can't even bare to bring the subject up.

Sometimes you just have to tell yourself that you're awesome and eventually you begin to feel that way. I'm always saying it and it doesn't come from natural confidence. Sometimes I just want to cry in public if I feel like I've worn the wrong shirt. But was a whole, the more I tell myself that, the better I feel about me, and that makes everything much easier. I've also started trying to adopt a new way of thinking. Instead of wondering what other people think of me when I walk into a room, I focus on what I think of them instead.

As for Taz, try not to feel that way; it's long ceased to be a comfort zone. While we couldn't privatise quite a few people no one knew and some a lot of us didn't like got in, and our 'leader' wont boot them for fear of coming across as 'mean'. Now most of us don't even want to post. We aren't all friends either; some are quite literally friend of a friend of a friends, but because there is a connection to someone close we are friendly. Its quite a facade xD

[Monkey]

My comfort zone consists of my house, which I rarely leave. The people are my mother, to a certain degree, my brother, Jess, and increasingly Sofia (pointing out how much she fails is quite the ego boost). Jokes aside, I have anxiety attacks often which has lead to dropping out of high school, graduating half a year late from a crappy 'high school,' and only going to college part time. I have currently put off calling the university to remove the mandatory freshman registration hold so long that I don't know if any of the classes I need will still be available. Why? Because talking on the phone scares the shit out of me.

Oh self loathing, thy name is -insert Monkey's name here-.

Anyway, I deal with it in much the way Jess suggested. Fake it. I've become very good at it in Spanish class since you're forced to interact there, whereas other college courses are often a mind-your-own-damn-business kind of deal.

Taz, well, I'm not very comfortable there either. It was one step up from the main boards, but now there are many people I don't know /at all/ and a select few I don't particularly like, and it doesn't really seem worth the effort.

I've also picked up the habit of calling myself awesome and epic and stupendous and whatnot. xD

[Anne]

You are awesome Moo >.>;

As is Sorie

[Sofia]

I'm not going to be much help here, because I still can't order food in restaurants, and sometimes I'll sneak something in my pocket and leave some money on the floor so that I don't have to talk to anyone. But faking it really does help. If you just smile and nod, people will believe anything you tell them.

As for TAZ, make a board re-introducing yourself. You'll get instant love, I promise. :3 And just ignore everyone you don't like, and put up your own inside jokes, no one said you can't.

On a side note: Oh how fun it is, pointing out how I fail. -_-

[Sorie]

*heaving sigh*
Thanks guys. I sort of had a lapse of sanity yesterday.
I think just about everyone has confidence issues really, but many people won't talk about it. I do do some life acting of my own, and I am [very very very] slowly improving at expressing myself.
I may take Nut's suggestion into consideration regarding TAZ maybe, but later. I love you all, I swear, but my busy-as-hell life forces me to neglect everything. So even if I felt absolutely comfortable running around getting to know everyone, I WOULDN'T HAVE THE TIME. Pfeh.

Regardless, you're all incredible, blah blah blah sincerity. Sorie = grateful.